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So this last week, not going so well
Am still at the mother in law's and she keeps breaking my stuff, admittedly she thought 1 of the items were the child's... Why does she even come in our room anyway??!!
Plus she keeps saying she's watching the small one, but the she gets hurt, toes under the door, then flip-flops in the middle of the floor tripping her up and making her smash her face into a wooden chair and today leaves an open soup can on the floor so she cuts her finger, which bleeds loads!! She leaves bottles of bleach etc around and parks so I can't get the buggy round the back of the house and is soo noisy once babys in bed!
Aaarg! just want out of here, it's been too long!

Sister being a complete bitch! She owes me a shed load of money so you think she'd try and keep me sweet? But no! Cos I get upset at something goes off on one on fb, embarrassing and she's stupid, half the things she accuses me of, she's worse at, the others I feel justified in so she can just fuck off! However as it's my sister (and I would like that money back!) and don't like splashing my entire life on fb - I restrain myself, doesn't stop me being sad & cross tho!! But she better not expect any more favours!!! And other 2 who were there could have invited me?/ stood up for me...?
Then she's on fb talking to other sister about what she's gonna wear to other sisters birthday, the sister she says she can't stand, asking her to do her hair! Pretty sure I haven't had my invite to that?!
Plus other sister not replied to my text, altho that's not unusual to be fair...

I'll admit I'm tired and that doesn't help
And I'm frustrated cos everything we're waiting for is out of my hands
But even randoms seem out to get me, had truck try to pull out into the side of me, biker give me the finger

On the plus side, have had some friends be very lovely to me
Small person is at a very cool stage, doing new and even cuter things every day
And have been having plenty of long walks where I get to listen to my gave music and think/clear my head
Am actually feeling pretty happy when I don't think about it, until the next sucky thing happens anyway...

Rant over
To optmism!

Boy, has been having it hard I know, but is rude when we both are up in the night and he always just lies in :(


i dont wanna be here





May. 17th, 2011

I hope
I am still making you happy
You have given me
The best role ever
I look at what we have made
As she sleeps soundly
And I am happy
I have found it hard
Not having my own space
My own way
With some things
But once we are free
Life should be great
I miss you when you're gone
And appreciate you more than I let you know
And am sorry
If I've not been as good to you as I should?
'hang in there baby'
Remind my crap memory
We'll talk those talks
And live that dream
I know it x
Was lovely too see you earlier
In the kitchen
With your music playing
And our baby girl on your hip
You were talking to her so lovingly
Makes me smile a lot
Love you x


Am confused right now
Don't feel at home anywhere
Don't feel anyones top priority
And wonder if you just told me what I wanted to hear
At the beginning
I know I don't have the best memory
But suddenly
You don't like fancy dress
And your debts seem to have doubled
And you're comfy blowing your nose when I'm eating
And farting all the time
The guy who told me he likes to keep his pubes trimmed
And who always smelt so good...?

And you throw in my face that I wanted a baby
When I need a little support

That I'm a bad mum
For playing a game!

Have you tried looking after a little person
24/7 for over 6 months with barely enough time
To shower
To Pee even sometimes
Have I ever let her hurt herself
By falling
Or choking on something
Or letting one of the bigger kids hurt her
I know you say some of this when you're tired or upset yourself
But I'll stop trusting you
Will start to do Everything by myself
To prove a point

And that is a downward spiral
Because then I won't need you
And the time after that...

I'm trying not to go that way

Hope we haven't made a mistake
I missed you this morning
Ran downstairs when I heard the door to give you a kiss goodbye
Sorry about that
Realised when I got back upstairs I could smell you
You aftershave from the door handle was now on my hand
Made me smile


I lie here
Nearly naked
Covered in sweet smelling lotion
I feel moist and warm
Had been hoping
You would reach down
Between my legs
And feel how welcome you were
Wanted you
To explore me
And use me
And grab me roughly...
I know it's a bit weird right now
But know I want you
Most of the time
Need this hand now...
Night x


I lie here in my bed
feeling lonely
and stressed
I know it's probly hormones
but that doesn't make it better right now
am misunderstood
and mebbe ill
hope to have great dreams tonight
and will start afresh tomoro

Nov. 11th, 2009

I sit here
reading a magazine
and I smile
glad how you've embraced this
change to our lives
I know it won't be easy
but we can do this
and I am happy
especially when you talk about our 2nd
so naturally
I smile

secrets out...

So it's been a while
but I had a secret
which I can now tell
I am growing my first baby
and we saw it yesterday
wriggling on screen
for the very first time

was amazing really

altho was just thankful
at the time
that everything looks fine

it's so funny
but so cool
to see your little person
so small
but all complete
sucking, swallowing and stretching

and all from through you!?

am soo glad
my boy was there to share it with me
makes it all real
and really special




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