I lie here in my bed
feeling lonely
and stressed
I know it's probly hormones
but that doesn't make it better right now
am misunderstood
and mebbe ill
hope to have great dreams tonight
and will start afresh tomoro
night

I sit here
reading a magazine
and I smile
glad how you've embraced this
change to our lives
I know it won't be easy
but we can do this
and I am happy
especially when you talk about our 2nd
so naturally
I smile
x

So it's been a while
but I had a secret
which I can now tell
I am growing my first baby
and we saw it yesterday
wriggling on screen
for the very first time

was amazing really

altho was just thankful
at the time
that everything looks fine

it's so funny
but so cool
to see your little person
so small
but all complete
sucking, swallowing and stretching

and all from through you!?

am soo glad
my boy was there to share it with me
makes it all real
and really special

:)

I lie here
awake
alone
i'm hot
but need covers to sleep

I read your journal
to reassure me
but it's been blank
quite a while now

we should know very soon
the answer
am terrified it's no

I hear a plane overhead
and the occaisonal car
life outside my window
will continue whatever

try to get comfy
put 1 hand on my tummy
cover my ears
I fidget
i'm tired
but i'm awake
:(
i'm tired

Life is great right now
I've achieved so much this year
So much that was

put off

for so long

And now we begin
on the next stage

and i hope

but i'm scared

think i'm reading so much at the moment
to hide
from my thoughts
and fears

hope for me

x

So it's 5:30 am
and i'm awake again!
Wonder what that's about?
Coincides with
going back to the gym
hmm
wake up
very warm
in-ter-est-ing...
X

So it's getting early
and i'm awake
very awake
itchy
from being bitten last night
and a million thoughts running through my head
I am tired
but just not getting anywhere sleepwise
doesn't help
that i'm horny
but
out of action
:(

well I guess staying on here won't help
night

Wish I wasn't alone in bed right now
shouldn't have watched scary tv
and headache is lurking
am tired...
:(

i

miss

your

words


this life
no more slipping through my hands
these days
are turning out more like i planned

make the rest come true
x

Interesting time
to be wide awake
So dawn chorus starts before 4:28 at the moment nice
So seeing as i'm up...
Things are going well
Progress
Is finally being made
I now have

Passed my driving test

Bought the car
I've always wanted

Have a divorce case number
And agreement to sign papers and return
And

Have one less tooth
Ready for my brace next month

So may finally
Be
Escaping limbo
Been there quite a while

And my lovely boy
Promises to try to make me
Very happy
Very soon
Not that he hasn't been, the last year
Just specifically ;)

So even though i'm wide awake
At a stupid time
Life is good
Real good

And even though
Right now
I have a big hole in my gum
And am nervous to swallow too hard
I'm happy
And proud of myself
For finally
Doing these things
Yay

hmm
can't find a group that covers what i'm looking for
and not up for creating one :(

why when your stressy
are you mean to those closest to you?
you don't realise
and then a comment
or action
opens your eyes

i thought i was doing ok
but guess
less so than i thought

it's funny cos
i've been happy real happy and bouncy at times
and then i'm mean *frowns*

and i've made a bit of progress
in several areas
altho seem to have to chase everything
but have date to get tooth brace
husband has agreed to not contest divorce
i have my driving test on friday
and i don't know if i should try not too care
if i pass or fail
but i know from past experience
that while i don't get upset
it bothers me deep down
and gets trapped away
with everything else...

i think i'm scared of getting these things
been impossible for so long
and are scary things to be doing

oh and job hunting at the same time

and feeling fat and disgusting
only skipped the gym when broken
altho i always seem to feel worse
when i start making some progress in that area

and have told my sister n family i would take them on holiday
but then i don't get invited to other things
and feel like they would have preferred to be alone sometimes
dunno, maybe i am reading too much into stuff
because of how i feel
but it upsets me :(

anyway
think i've gone on long enough for one night
i miss your writings baby
no pressure though
night
x

so it's been a little while
and to be honest not much has changed
life is generally good
with the boy
the ex is still being a right royal pain in the arse...
over a year and still no sign of any progress
well forcing his hand now
gonna see him Monday
with a list of questions
I need answers to
And a harsh punishment if he won't play
Driving lessons are going well
i think
Instructor is happy enough
And good progress of teef works, should have a brace in 7 weeks or so
Eek
But for the best
I've wanted it a long time
Saw a friend yesterday
She's not been too well
But is perking up now
Hope to see her again soon
Will let you know how things go...
x

i say this without malice
or expectation
but you say you 'can't' do anything
when what you mean is you 'won't'
as i said
i understand your reasons
and they are fair and reasonable
but it is a 'won't'
and at this time of the month
i can only really feel things
and i know i think less - heart over brain i guess
damn hormones

i don't know how my whole life got like this?
always Needing someone else
to help me live my dreams
Relying on their
choice or whim
Unable to do it on my own
whether thru money, belief or other input...
and so
never getting them

i thought i was self reliant
strong
guess i was wrong
was really just hiding
waiting

so now i wait again
still
in limbo....

i wait for the ex
to sort out his own life enough
to buy me out the house

until that has started
i cannot begin the paperwork
to set me free
(or do you think i should?)

and take you up on your promise
or
are you having second thoughts?

and while this is all in my head
i think about
storage for stuff
what job i want
what life i want for that matter
i worry that stupid emails
mean i've risked my redundancy
so until the end of next month - i'm worried
i wait for an email
to tell me if i'm in for something really scary
and wonder
how that will affect the above

i just feel old
and like its too late
but also very young and stupid
i wasted life
and i didn't learn enough from it

to be fair
most of this
was in my shrug
i just didn't know where to start
but i am frustrated
and sad

i should be able
to
kinda forget about it again
in a few days

so don't worry
i'm ok
we're ok
xx

i know what you say is sensible
and i know why you want it that way

but
i've been waiting
forever
been asked to wait
before
trusted
misled
sad

i trust you

but
may be too late soon
may
be broken
feel broken right now

sitting on a steamed up bus
on the way to work
nearly at my bus stop
decided to draw a heart
on the window...

Well the hotel pool was pretty cool, you go up to the 5th floor of the hotel, through towards the gym and oh, you're outside!! Very cool though, swam and sunbathed for a while.
Then after dinner we decided to pop to the Raffles Hotel for my first Singapore Sling (this is where it was invented) The Hotel is very colonial and the drinks were very expensive but it was a cool thing to do :)
I was gonna wear my white dress but the boy thought it was too see through (it isn't really just thin cotton...) oh well another time.
Then Tuesday it was up early for breakfast and to the airport. Our plane had been changed so we got to go on the new biiig airbus (A380) and there were only 80 passengers when the plane can take 400+ so we could move seats and some people were laid out along 4 seats for some of the flight, so that was pretty cool :) was knackered when we got back (14 hr plane journey, 8 hr time difference then 2 hours taxi journey) so just went to bed.
Well today have emptied luggage, had nice long bath, taken photo's off camera - not bad going :)

Also confirmed that colleagues have had the stage 3 meetings so the redundancy is finally definite for end of March Wooo!! Now just gotta get my arse in gear to find a new job!!

x

Soo Dinner as pretty cool, was at the 'restaurant at the end of the world' gotta say all his family/friends have been very friendly/welcoming and just really nice. ive been pretty good trying new foods n stuff, found something was a bit spicier than i like and tried the fish (grouper possibly) and crab meat served in the shell (with other stuff) eek!
Friday was the last day in Penang so after packing we visited several of the boys relatives, hit the bank and then rushed to the airport, but it was fine, they didn't open the check-in for ages...!
So now I'm in Singapore (last full day today) when we arrived friday it was all a bit hectic cos of a few minor problems but fine. The hotel has an awesome shower and the food and staff are very nice. The entrance and stairs are very cool!
So Saturday we just spent the day shopping, bought some funny little bits and a cool 'gangsta' tshirt.
Sunday we went to Sentosa Island which is full of attractions and beaches n stuff, we went up the sky tower, visited the 'creature encounters' were we saw some cool native monkeys (macaque) then visited 'images of singapore' which was educational but quite interesting and then went up the Merlion, cute story and got a fan as my free gift, ant the got the cable car. we had dinner at the hotel Restaurant (after 'Soup' had only funny Chinese New Year Menu options not full menu which looked really nice) and then went to the Night Safari which was very cool! saw the tribespeople firebreathing and doing cool acrobatics with sticks n stuff, then watched the show with lots of animals and went on the tram tour :)
Singapore is very cool, very clean and safe and with loads of neon and great shopping, it's been real hot and sticky (been having several showers a day) :)
Monday (today) just done a bit more shopping and think i'm gonna go try out the hotel pool...
Catch ya later
xx

Well here i am in Penang (in Malaysia)
We we left the Boys at 12:25 lunchtime on Saturday and after 1 taxi 2 planes and a coach, arrived on Sunday, I think, in the evening so just got some room service and, after watching the fireworks for a while) went to sleep
The hotel is quite nice and has mega air conditioning (the temp has been about 34 degrees most days i think and it is quite sticky and humid), with a couple of pools out the back which lead onto the beach, the food and entertainment are OK but nothing special.
So Monday only just caught breakfast at 10:25, checked out the local 7Eleven!! and then for the afternoon/evening we went round the boy's uncle's house for Chinese New Year celebrations/dinner. His uncle collected us and took the scenic route to his house so got to see some gorgeous views. Once we arrived everyone was really friendly and i got to try some authentic food, nothing looked too scary thankfully :) Got given a few of the red packets they give out to to the kids and unmarried adults (oops - well I couldn't exactly refuse them without having to explain why! and really didn't want to offend anyone!) and watch a chain of about a million firecrackers go off (VERY loud!! :D ) and a forest nearly set fire too with an out-of-control firework!! :D
Tuesday, tried out the pool and sunbathing facilities. The pool's are quite nice and the staff are good. There is a big lizard (some sort of small monitor??) which occasionally swims across the 'activity' pool scaring people (hehe) and hummingbirds in the gardens! That evening we had a look around the outdoor market along the road outside the hotel - lots of knockoff dvds and designer bags and watches and some interesting lamps and clothing which i may have to go back for tonight... but it is really close there as loads of people in a confined area, ick!
Wednesday we took a trip to Georgetown to check out the shopping which was quite cool, boy was getting a bit grumpy but his mum does keep trying to treat us like 12 year olds!! and by the end i was pretty tired On the way back i saw some monkeys just sitting on the road signs and phone cables and some more great views :)
Today we've just lounged really, mainly by the by the pool :), will upload some pics when i get home, anyway gotta jump in the shower now as going out to dinner with the boys uncle tonight (i'm bound to have forgotten stuff so may well update later)
x

Morning
Sorry for last nights rant
Not sure what got into me, well
kinda am but not gonna think on that for a while
feel good this morning
even though up super early
was asleep by 10pm heh
pretty sure my neighbours fall asleep with their TV on
assholes
if i wake up and that stupid buzzing noise is going on I can't get back to sleep!
oh well got up today and have left the bathroom fan on
petty i know!
but feel today is gonna be a good day
just hope my boy's ok
he said he was gonna text last night, I have no message
and he hasn't updated here
so, yeah, just hope he got home safe...
xx